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The shell of

my protection

My walls

My barriers

Compromised so many times

Left me raw

Physically

Mentally

Emotionally

Each time my mind

Blocked out

Fazed out

Numb devoid of feeling

For I froze

For I fought

For I flew

For I flopped

Having to reset myself each time

I pretended it never happened

Yet the shock over my body each time I see their faces on a film real before my eyes

Smells haunting chanting voices the acts themselves

Choice removed

My voice severed and cut each time over

For I sit and say my mind reacted diffently

Not knowing how to compute it

My mind destroying all its modes of survival for I had to use up every reserve each and every time

The tsunami of visuals stripped bare in each

This soul faced whose eyes are haunted for I see them all the time

Weeping in fear

Weeping in Guilt

Weeping in shame

Yet I faced and face all demons to date

Who do I trust

Privacy rights invaded so many times

I have to release

I have to fight to stand up

Ever each time I stood up after

Yet still I remain here

Looking at the aggressors eyes of many

All masqued and cloaked themselves all wearing sheep’s clothing

One held me down by my throat yet this was nothing in comparison

For All played the games played to my mind

Though no tears fall

now the scars are there

I still smell the smells of each etched in my minds eye

I wash it off yet still the smell remains it’s just there

For my eye cried that fairytales lied to me

I have had to mend myself on each and every layer

Yet I remind myself I am alive

Yet I remind myself I survived

Yet I remind myself not all are the same not all as lucky

Cloaked and uncloaked matters not to me now

For I have learned

I will always have a right to feel safe

I will always have the right to assert my own bouandries

I will always have the right to mend myself.

© all rights reserved by the author MEJ 2020

For I turned them into friends