The Film Real by MEJ #StarfishClub #Coffeeandachat #PoetryHub #Poetry #PoetryCommunity #WritingCommunity #PTSD

This I thee write to explore each dominator of

my past in the hope it may help someone for the better.

As the film real of frozen memories

Start to smelt and unlock

The fullness of the images with context from beginning but have a middle and an end start to haunt

For the roots of my illned self of the mental health variety

For I now see the cause and effect in its entirety in all its fullness for this I now must accept

For this man I shall place before you

I would like to say that his qualities and virtues when you scratch the surface

Flee to the wayside for his cloak falls every time

For he was disguised in sheep’s clothing

This man

Sat in judgement of all my family, all my friends

Of whom he would each like to kiss

For you met all your ex’s though we were supposed to be together

While me locked in the flat writing the dissertation that you said I was to thick to write

The torture of worded abuse

To shout and stand up over and above me

Yet you were in a position of trust that my esteem held you in for your status held your regard

For you were a medic

But do you not see you broke every single code of ethics with the abuse you put me through

Bipolar you determined I had

The final year you were in when we started dating too many red flags that I compromised with you by ignoring

Yet I remember you recalling and recoiling

If you met a nasty person hurting someone by using the smallest of the small venflons as they cause more pain when getting the blood from them was your way at getting back at them

Such words tortured this soul

Yet I write this to align the facts and to accept

But raiding your mothers pharmacy for medications

Stealing mine

Lorazepam

Diazepam

Kepake with morphine in alcohol

Ecstasy Cannabis you insisted I took

Forced me groomed me

Starting fights and aggression

I was in prison and inprisoned

Put in a wardrobe for 4 hrs

Locked in flat

Stuck in Rooms on hospital grounds

Not allowed to go out

No books

No internet

No laptop

Only the Godfather movie series forced to watch on repeat all on the grounds of the hospital

Reeling and reaping monetary rewards from death

£200 back then for each signature gained on the cremation crem forms for you on this day made £1,000 from death and were dancing for joy

Yet my heart sank and sinks

For this soul knows of the atrocities of WWII

My grandfather imparted some to this soul a levy of profit

Tell me how this is different for that was the curse that broke my heart

Death

tortured

Tortures

This soul

So now I choose to be buried in tact encased in a shroud stood up in the ground with a cherry blossom tree growing up on my head

Yet he went on

My personal belongings

Read and destroyed

Photos

CDs

Tape Cassettes

Music destroyed

Books

Shoes clothes bags

Jewellery

What little I had destroyed

Yet the presence of laughter was all this soul had

All the line sight of choice removed the longer I stayed

Stockholm syndrome was the dynamic

Destruction of me he desired and all my loved ones too

Strangulation the last straw for me to tolerate

If it were not for a parras words I would have died

Yet I stand and say this to you for his hands rigid around my throat and neck trying to remove life from me

For I had to tell myself to lay limp into the grip and follow the breath through my vessel for no air I was able to muster

Yet bang the partition wall I could muster of three times

Housemate saved me from this fate of death

For he yet did not stop here

Contacted all my family web of lies stated and my character defamed

Yet my grandfather of cancer he had and you spun more lies

Innocent I was not for mimicking your actions of cheating I did

Though I would walk away from you before my words you heard not

Body lay rigid

As you chanted in monotone during the evenings of slumber so say yet I had not

My body rigid

I had to pretend it all away

No graduation to celebrate with my friends of their accomplishments for mine was delayed by a year

For I was locked away

Forced to sing for you

You striped my loves away

You striped my love of life away

Out of character I was

Boundaries of none I had

You found me years later

In a role that I was proud to have

My body in shock with you finding me

My mind knew it’s operator not

For I felt possessed

7 years I found out you had a union of marriage yet judgement you still lay in of others

Projection I find

Distracts you from tending to your own corner

Yet you had a daughter also which you neglected to say

So I contacted your wife to see you out of my life with permanence

Yet haunted I am

For two vocations I lost due to you

Yet I was left with my life in tatters

But I write this to say to you niw

Although you appear to have have won I mind not

For I rise and fight each morning with faith on my side for you tried to

break it

Severe it

Smelt it

But you not knowing the might of this will and not will you again

For my faith never left me

For he was the one carrying me through

out the the other side

Out of the storm

For

I survived

I am ALIVE

I am a SURVIVOR

I am a WARRIOR

I am my own Empress and you defeated me and us not

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